The many ways that people try to control others-So many people do it unknowinglyby Donna Lee on 05/24/12
“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world.
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.”
I love this Rumi quote because it reminds me that even though he lived over 800 years ago that our problems today are nothing new. Unfortunately, humans are a creature of habit. The worst habit is not wanting to change. I know as a coach and an intuitive that clients call me hoping that someone in their life will change. Most of the time the answer is no. It takes several events for a person to change if the need to change. I believe that we should be evolving everyday but most people wont change. They just rather focus on changing others.
Wanting other people to change is a form of control. If we want a person to act and respond according to our standards, it means that we are wanting to control them. When we get upset that people tell us no, we are wanting to control them. People want to control others because they do not want to be wrong. It becomes easier to focus on changing others. The problem is that wanting to change others stunts our personal growth and we lose our self awareness. The sad part is that people who want to change the world or other people think that they are aware and that they get it. They do not get it. Getting it means that it is understood that people have a right to be who they are.
Why people want to control others?
1. Fear of being wrong. No one wants to be wrong so they find every excuse to be right. People like this are determined to stand firm in their beliefs no matter what. They lose sight of reality because they are so firm.
2. Avoiding one's self. It is painful to have to go inward and look at our self and our pain. People rather blame others. People would rather do some quick fix than to go deep into their wounds and heal. You have to feel it to heal it so deal with it.
3. People want to feel safe. If they can change others it makes them feel powerful.
5. Insecurity. Secure people accept people for who they are. Even f they do not like them or get mad at a person, they do not feel the need to change them.
6. Control. Many people feel that being in control is powerful. It is actually a weakness to need to control.
How do people control others
1. By telling others that they are wrong. According to whose standards? Very few things on society have a universal standard of right and wrong. The rest is our ego.
2. Needing people to act a certain way.
Recruiting others to believe like them. You know the type. They change their eating style, join a movement or a political cause then they want everyone to join in. They are running on a new high and actually expect others to share their passion. When others do not care they become deflated and even mad. Accusing others of not "getting it."
3. Telling others how to feel. The ultimate way to invalidate person. People have the right to feel how they want.
4. Wanting to change the world. The world does not need to be changed. Just our response to it. it is fine to dislike things about the world or people in the world but it is not okay to want to change a person.
5. Needing a person to respond right away because you called, text or emailed them. People have the right to respond when they want to.
6. Not wanting to change their perception of a person. It happens often. People meet someone they like and they assign emotions and beliefs to the person that they adore. When the person does not meet their assign perception, the person actually gets upset and wants to change the person. I see this a lot in romantic relationships. Often the person accuses their partner of being a liar or a fraud. They never lied about who they are. The person just chose not to see them. Learning to see people for who they are instead of who you want them to be is the key. Live life with your eyes open.
When a person is uncomfortable with themselves, they become frustrated and they want to change everyone and everything around them. The key is to do an inward soul search on why there is discomfort. Heal thyself instead of trying to heal others. Wanting to heal and fix others will not heal and fix the problem within one's self.