The price of being submissive in a relationship
" You cannot be submissive and authentic at the same time " - Dr. Donna
My mission is to facilitate authenticity for women. I know that it is hard to be authentic all the time for a woman. We have been conditioned since the beginning of time to know our place as a woman. That often means being second to a man. that often means being submissive to men. if we are not submissive we are called bossy, b*tchy, and other names.
Recently, I read a few articles from the fifties about how to keep your husband happy. It said things such as look pretty all the time. Don't complain. Don't expect anything. Be ready to be sexual when he's ready. And always have a smile on your face. Nothing was said about what the husband should do for his wife. It has been understood that if a man is a provider, that's all that he really needs to do.
Now we are in 2021, there's, still an issue of what role a woman should have in a relationship. Some of the old social constructs never left society. I know that equal partners are an ideal relationship. I have studied relationships ever since I was 10 years old, I always want you to understand why some people were married and why some people weren't. I came from a home where my parents were no longer married, I wanted knowledge about what makes a marriage lasts. I wanted to heal myself. So I asked people questions. I had no shame in asking married couples what kept them married. Even the older couples who grew up in a more conservative time, I was always told that you have to love each other, respect each other, apologize to each other, surrender to each other. Definitely compromise.
But no one said to be submissive. Everything was about being equal partners. Once I started coaching, I noticed that there were women in relationships where they were being submissive and they weren't happy. They were being submissive and they were being controlled. They're being submissive and they're being cheated on. I even had my own personal experiences that included two of my past relationships try to make me submissive. They tried to punish me for not being submissive. I'm too hot-headed and too loudmouth to be submissive. I've often been told that I am too much. I learned that when people are equal partners, they're more vulnerable. They go into each other's souls a little bit deeper. They share more of themselves. They give naturally freely without fear. I refuse to settle for anything less than an equal partnership. That did lead to me being single for long periods of time. I know what I deserve.
I have never heard a woman fantasize about being submissive in a relationship. She fantasized about being loved and heard. Not being told how to act.
When a person is told that they have to be submissive in a relationship they're being controlled. There's no other way to put it. No one should have rights over another person in a normal situation. Having rights over someone is usually in a situation where a person is deemed unable to care for themselves by the law. When a person is being submissive, they will lose themselves. They will always have the fear of "Am I doing the right thing? Am I messing up? Will I lose my partner? what if I am not submissive? "
Being submissive becomes a form of mental imprisonment. Eventually, it leads to sadness. I have asked why would someone need someone to submit to them? Usually because of their own fears and insecurities. And also the need to control because they don't want to be vulnerable. They only want their submissive partner to be vulnerable.
When your partner wants you to be submissive, they're saying, I don't want you to be your true self. I really don't want to know you for who you are. I want you to be the perception that I perceive you to be and nothing else. How can you have a connected relationship with someone if you're submitting and they are not? The answer is that you can't have an equal, healthy relationship that is long-lasting. The person who's submitting is the giver. And the other person is the taker in the relationship. If they give you anything it will be crumbs. No true intimacy. They will feed you some crumbs and say, "look, I give you so much. Look, I'm here. Look, I didn't leave you." That is an abusive relationship. Abuse is not always about being hit. Abuse is not always loud and easily noticeable. It can be subtle. It can look gentle. It does twist your thinking and perception. The whole time you will be told that this is who they are and how they show love to you.
When a person wants someone to submit to them, they have abandonment and rejection issues. They're trying to control the situation so that they don't have to feel their own vulnerability. The truth to be told is that relationships are about love, trust, and vulnerability. And of course, there's always a risk of being abandoned. Remember like attracts like. The submissive person is afraid of being abandoned. The person who wants to be in control is afraid of being abandoned. See how it's the same issue being expressed differently. And of course, as I always say, the best way to deal with abandonment issues is to go to therapy.